Coworker- So who called him?
Me - I think it was his wife who killed him.
Coworker- *eyes grow huge*.
Me-Oh wait... Oh Shit! Did I say kill?!
Coworker- ...want me to get you some coffee?
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
....really?
Ladies: We're here to visit!
Me: Oh I'm sorry, we're closed today. We're closed every Wednesday.
*Cue the chorus of Awwwwwww!'s*
Lady 1: Can we use your restroom then?
Me: Of course! Its right next to us.
Lady 1 to Lady 2: *walking to the restroom* I'm sorry about that! I should have checked.
Lady 2: Oh its not your fault. Its that girl at the front desk's fault.
Me: ...?
Me: Oh I'm sorry, we're closed today. We're closed every Wednesday.
*Cue the chorus of Awwwwwww!'s*
Lady 1: Can we use your restroom then?
Me: Of course! Its right next to us.
Lady 1 to Lady 2: *walking to the restroom* I'm sorry about that! I should have checked.
Lady 2: Oh its not your fault. Its that girl at the front desk's fault.
Me: ...?
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
I'm not McGruff, the Crime Dog.
Older dude: We just chained out bikes up to the bench outside, is that alright?
Me: Actually, you can't. Its the only seating in that area we offer to guests. There is a bike rack you can chain them to just around the corner.
Older woman: If they are around the corner, how are you supposed to watch them for us?
Me:... I won't be.
Older man: So we'll leave them out there so you can watch them.
Me: I'm sorry, but I cannot watch your bikes. They are your responsibility. They need to be chained to the rack around the corner.
Older woman: *snorts* You really should do your job.
**At least this time it was bikes. A few times this exchange has happened with children.
Monday, March 28, 2016
If at first your don't succeed...
Tourists try the door and find it locked.
Tourists try the door next to the other door and find that locked too.
Tourists knock on the door and I shake my head at them and point to the hours next to the door.
Tourists knock again. I do the same, clearly showing them we're not open for another 30 minutes.
Tourists try door #3 finding it locked.
Tourists try door #4... that's locked too.
Tourists eventually find the staff door and walk inside and come to my desk.
Tourists: 2 admissions please.
Me: I'm sorry, we're not open for another 30 minutes.
Tourists: You're NOT?!
****
Male Tourist wanders in and blows right past me.
Me: Hello Sir, how can I help you?
MT: I'm just browsing.
Me: Okay, well its $10 for an admission.
MT: Oh...
Me: But you can see this area and this area for free. They are down the stairs.
MT: Oh, okay. *starts walking into the paid admission area*
Me: Um, Sir? Not that way. Down the stairs *gestures to the stairway*
MT: Oh! You didn't say that. Okay. *Keeps walking in the same direction*
Me: Sir? The stairs are in the OTHER direction. Right there *points at the stairway which is opposite him*
MT: *stares at me* Oh.. you didn't say that. *Once again tries to go into the paid area again*
Me: *growls* Sir...
MT: *sighs and finally makes it down the stairs*
Tourists try the door next to the other door and find that locked too.
Tourists knock on the door and I shake my head at them and point to the hours next to the door.
Tourists knock again. I do the same, clearly showing them we're not open for another 30 minutes.
Tourists try door #3 finding it locked.
Tourists try door #4... that's locked too.
Tourists eventually find the staff door and walk inside and come to my desk.
Tourists: 2 admissions please.
Me: I'm sorry, we're not open for another 30 minutes.
Tourists: You're NOT?!
****
Male Tourist wanders in and blows right past me.
Me: Hello Sir, how can I help you?
MT: I'm just browsing.
Me: Okay, well its $10 for an admission.
MT: Oh...
Me: But you can see this area and this area for free. They are down the stairs.
MT: Oh, okay. *starts walking into the paid admission area*
Me: Um, Sir? Not that way. Down the stairs *gestures to the stairway*
MT: Oh! You didn't say that. Okay. *Keeps walking in the same direction*
Me: Sir? The stairs are in the OTHER direction. Right there *points at the stairway which is opposite him*
MT: *stares at me* Oh.. you didn't say that. *Once again tries to go into the paid area again*
Me: *growls* Sir...
MT: *sighs and finally makes it down the stairs*
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Beware the Perky.
"God, you're so...bright."
I wouldn't mind that comment if it wasn't said with a wrinkled nose and total disdain.
"Ugh. Everything about you. Your voice, your dress. Can you tone it down?"
Seriously buddy, I work in customer service. I greet visitors. I'm supposed to be welcoming and cheerful. Sorry you don't like that but slamming my hand down on my desk and growling "Alright, what do you bitches want?!" while therapeutic isn't really the way to go. I guess I threw off your cynical vibe there.
Guess what?
I don't care!
So your asshole attitude towards me is only going to do one thing. Make me even MORE perky. Just to Piss. You. Off.
Oh yeah, I love it when you twitch the brighter I smile.
Oh baby, roll those eyes when I tell you have a nice day.
Oh yes! YES! Stomp away from my desk because I disgust you!
Your anger gives me power! POWER!!!
I may not have had my coffee this morning.
I wouldn't mind that comment if it wasn't said with a wrinkled nose and total disdain.
"Ugh. Everything about you. Your voice, your dress. Can you tone it down?"
Seriously buddy, I work in customer service. I greet visitors. I'm supposed to be welcoming and cheerful. Sorry you don't like that but slamming my hand down on my desk and growling "Alright, what do you bitches want?!" while therapeutic isn't really the way to go. I guess I threw off your cynical vibe there.
Guess what?
I don't care!
So your asshole attitude towards me is only going to do one thing. Make me even MORE perky. Just to Piss. You. Off.
Oh yeah, I love it when you twitch the brighter I smile.
Oh baby, roll those eyes when I tell you have a nice day.
Oh yes! YES! Stomp away from my desk because I disgust you!
Your anger gives me power! POWER!!!
I may not have had my coffee this morning.
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Sometimes Karma is Beautiful
On the Phone
Me: Hello, how can I help you?
Woman: I am calling for your hours. And do you want to know WHY I am calling for your hours? Because I have searched ALL of your websites and NONE of them have your hours on it. NONE! And I wasted HOURS of my precious time trying to find when I can visit so tell me, girl. What are your hours?
Me: We're open 10am to 6pm everyday and Closed on Wednesday.
Woman: Good. Now let's to little exercise. I want you to go to your website and I want you to tell me EXACTLY how to get to where your hours are shown. I want you to TELL me where they are because you have made it IMPOSSIBLE to find.
Me: Of Course ma'am. Go to our website www.ourwebsite.com.
Women: I'm there right now.
Me: Okay Good. Now see at the top of the page in the large, bright pink lettering where it says Hours and Admissions, Open 10am to 6pm?
Woman: ....
Me: Click on that.
Woman: *Hangs up quickly*
Me: Hello, how can I help you?
Woman: I am calling for your hours. And do you want to know WHY I am calling for your hours? Because I have searched ALL of your websites and NONE of them have your hours on it. NONE! And I wasted HOURS of my precious time trying to find when I can visit so tell me, girl. What are your hours?
Me: We're open 10am to 6pm everyday and Closed on Wednesday.
Woman: Good. Now let's to little exercise. I want you to go to your website and I want you to tell me EXACTLY how to get to where your hours are shown. I want you to TELL me where they are because you have made it IMPOSSIBLE to find.
Me: Of Course ma'am. Go to our website www.ourwebsite.com.
Women: I'm there right now.
Me: Okay Good. Now see at the top of the page in the large, bright pink lettering where it says Hours and Admissions, Open 10am to 6pm?
Woman: ....
Me: Click on that.
Woman: *Hangs up quickly*
Please Stop Smokin da Ganjah Before Coming In.
Here was the conversation.
*Enter a young couple*
me:Hello! May I help you?
Guy:..wha?
Me: May I help you?
Girl: We're just going to come in. *Both start heading in without paying*
Me: *stopping them* Oookay well there is an admission fee but the ages 20 and Under get in for free. Are either of you 20 and under?
Both: *Blank Stare*
Guy: Huh?
Me: *repeats Statement above...slower*
Both: *blank Stare. Then both start wandering in again*
Me: Umm..Are you two 20 years old or under?
Guy:Uhhh...no?
Me:Then you'll have to pay admission.
Girl: We're just going to go inside.
Me: That's Great. You're going to have to pay.
Both: *blank stare*
Guy: You said it was free?
Me: For the ages 20 and Under its free.
Guy: Oh...well I'm...16...and she's...uh...19.
Girl: *nods vaguely*
Me: Great! So if I can see your IDs with a birthdate on them, you're all set!
Both:*Blank Stare*
Me:Your IDs?
Guy: Ohh...I..left it in the car?
Me: The store is free to walk through, you two.
Both: *wander off into the bookstore*
Then They Return
Guy: Umm...I'm not really 16 you know.
Me: REALLY?! Do tell?
Guy: Yeah..sometimes I can get away with it.
Me: Ahh. *nods* Well...That's...awesome.
*Enter a young couple*
me:Hello! May I help you?
Guy:..wha?
Me: May I help you?
Girl: We're just going to come in. *Both start heading in without paying*
Me: *stopping them* Oookay well there is an admission fee but the ages 20 and Under get in for free. Are either of you 20 and under?
Both: *Blank Stare*
Guy: Huh?
Me: *repeats Statement above...slower*
Both: *blank Stare. Then both start wandering in again*
Me: Umm..Are you two 20 years old or under?
Guy:Uhhh...no?
Me:Then you'll have to pay admission.
Girl: We're just going to go inside.
Me: That's Great. You're going to have to pay.
Both: *blank stare*
Guy: You said it was free?
Me: For the ages 20 and Under its free.
Guy: Oh...well I'm...16...and she's...uh...19.
Girl: *nods vaguely*
Me: Great! So if I can see your IDs with a birthdate on them, you're all set!
Both:*Blank Stare*
Me:Your IDs?
Guy: Ohh...I..left it in the car?
Me: The store is free to walk through, you two.
Both: *wander off into the bookstore*
Then They Return
Guy: Umm...I'm not really 16 you know.
Me: REALLY?! Do tell?
Guy: Yeah..sometimes I can get away with it.
Me: Ahh. *nods* Well...That's...awesome.
The Dog May Have Pooped Nickles
Me: Ma'am? I'm sorry, there are no dogs allowed other than service dogs. Is that a service dog?
Woman: No.
Me Then I'm sorry but dog will have to wait outside.
Woman: But..It's my dog.
Me: I'm sorry Ma'am. Its the rules.
Woman:...I can't even keep him in the bag?
Me: No. I'm sorry Ma'am. We don't allow non-service animals inside the building.
Woman: Okay then I'll take him into the store instead!
Me: Ma'am, there are no dogs allowed in the building, period. So you will have to take him home or you will have to stay with him outside until the rest of your party is finished.
Woman: Well how do you expect me to buy anything in your store without my dog?! My Dog IS MONEY!
Me: *Attempts to keep brain from exploding from that logic*
Woman: No.
Me Then I'm sorry but dog will have to wait outside.
Woman: But..It's my dog.
Me: I'm sorry Ma'am. Its the rules.
Woman:...I can't even keep him in the bag?
Me: No. I'm sorry Ma'am. We don't allow non-service animals inside the building.
Woman: Okay then I'll take him into the store instead!
Me: Ma'am, there are no dogs allowed in the building, period. So you will have to take him home or you will have to stay with him outside until the rest of your party is finished.
Woman: Well how do you expect me to buy anything in your store without my dog?! My Dog IS MONEY!
Me: *Attempts to keep brain from exploding from that logic*
Yes, I'm Lying at you. It Keeps me Young.
Incident #1 on the phone
Stupid Man-I'm calling because I want to check the date of this film. Is it this Thursday or next Thursday?
Me-Sure. It looks like that film will be showing next Thursday.
Stupid man-That's not what the paper said.
Me-Which paper was it sir? It was probably a misprint. The film is indeed next Thursday.
Stupid Man-The paper said it was THIS Thursday.
Me-It was a misprint sir. The film in next Thursday.
Stupid Man-Are you sure? The paper said this Thursday.
Me-I'll check our-
Stupid man-*cuts me off* Are you sure you know your facts?
Me-Sir. IT WAS A MISPRINT. I am looking at our newsletter calendar right now and it says NEXT THURSDAY.
Stupid Man-I donno. I don't want to come on the wrong day. I think its this Thursday.
Me-Sir, its next Thursday. I promise you. But if you want to show up this Thursday feel free.
Stupid man- *CLICK*
Incident #2 in person
Annoying Woman with bad face lift- We'd like to come in.
Me-I'm sorry, we're closed today. But our shop and our cafe are open if you'd like to enjoy that.
Annoying Woman- The website said you were open today.
Me-I'm sorry. We're not. What website did you go to? It could have been a travel one with outdated information.
Annoying woman- I didn't check it. The conceige read me the hours. He said you were open today.
Me-I'm sorry Ma'am but he was misinformed. We're not open today. I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience.
Annoying woman-He said you were open.
me-I'm sorry ma'am. He was wrong.
Annoying woman-*stares condescendingly at me*
Me-*Stares back*
Annoying Woman- *stares condescendingly at me*
Me-*Stares back*
Annoying Woman-He said you were open today.
Me-We're closed.
Annoying woman -*walks out*
Stupid Man-I'm calling because I want to check the date of this film. Is it this Thursday or next Thursday?
Me-Sure. It looks like that film will be showing next Thursday.
Stupid man-That's not what the paper said.
Me-Which paper was it sir? It was probably a misprint. The film is indeed next Thursday.
Stupid Man-The paper said it was THIS Thursday.
Me-It was a misprint sir. The film in next Thursday.
Stupid Man-Are you sure? The paper said this Thursday.
Me-I'll check our-
Stupid man-*cuts me off* Are you sure you know your facts?
Me-Sir. IT WAS A MISPRINT. I am looking at our newsletter calendar right now and it says NEXT THURSDAY.
Stupid Man-I donno. I don't want to come on the wrong day. I think its this Thursday.
Me-Sir, its next Thursday. I promise you. But if you want to show up this Thursday feel free.
Stupid man- *CLICK*
Incident #2 in person
Annoying Woman with bad face lift- We'd like to come in.
Me-I'm sorry, we're closed today. But our shop and our cafe are open if you'd like to enjoy that.
Annoying Woman- The website said you were open today.
Me-I'm sorry. We're not. What website did you go to? It could have been a travel one with outdated information.
Annoying woman- I didn't check it. The conceige read me the hours. He said you were open today.
Me-I'm sorry Ma'am but he was misinformed. We're not open today. I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience.
Annoying woman-He said you were open.
me-I'm sorry ma'am. He was wrong.
Annoying woman-*stares condescendingly at me*
Me-*Stares back*
Annoying Woman- *stares condescendingly at me*
Me-*Stares back*
Annoying Woman-He said you were open today.
Me-We're closed.
Annoying woman -*walks out*
Communication is the Key
It was one of those days...one of those days when everyone with a personality disorder comes inside to get out of the rain:
Me:May I see your ID for your credit card, sir?
Sir: You know I buy things worth THOUSANDS of dollars with the credit card! And you have to see my ID for a $5 purchase?!
Me: Better to be safe than sorry, sir.
Me: I'm sorry Ma'm there is no photography allowed.
Ma'm: Well then you shouldn't have things in here that I want to take photos of!
Woman: I want the old peoples rate.
Me: One senior? Of course. That will be five $5.
Woman: NO I want the OLD PEOPLES RATE.
ME: Yes...a senior.
Woman: OLD PEOPLES RATE!
Me:...$5.
Me: Hi there! May I help you?
Woman: *stares blankly*
Me: Here to visit?
Woman: *Stares blankly*
Me: Want to buy an admission?
Woman: *stares blankly*
Me:... Well okay then!
Me:May I see your ID for your credit card, sir?
Sir: You know I buy things worth THOUSANDS of dollars with the credit card! And you have to see my ID for a $5 purchase?!
Me: Better to be safe than sorry, sir.
Me: I'm sorry Ma'm there is no photography allowed.
Ma'm: Well then you shouldn't have things in here that I want to take photos of!
Woman: I want the old peoples rate.
Me: One senior? Of course. That will be five $5.
Woman: NO I want the OLD PEOPLES RATE.
ME: Yes...a senior.
Woman: OLD PEOPLES RATE!
Me:...$5.
Me: Hi there! May I help you?
Woman: *stares blankly*
Me: Here to visit?
Woman: *Stares blankly*
Me: Want to buy an admission?
Woman: *stares blankly*
Me:... Well okay then!
Sleezy Dudes Are Not Uncommon
Picture if you will, a greasy 50 year old surfer looking guy in a bright pink t-shirt, Birkenstocks with socks, and cut off shorts. Oh and a big shell medallion around his neck.
Me: Hi there How can I help you?
Creepy Guy: I'd like to buy you breakfast. *grins*
Me: *pause. Eye Bug* Uh...What?
CG: I'd like to buy you breakfast
Me: *Big fake smile* No thank you.
CG: No breakfast today? Then perhaps..tomorrow morning? *sleezy smile*
Me: *Flashes wedding ring* Not interested. Would you like an admission?
CG: *noticing people going downstairs to an event* What's going on?
Me: There is a memorial going on.
CG: For a dead person?
Me: ... yes
CG: You know...I should crash that...get me one of them young grieving widows. Because I'm not as old as I feel..if you understand that *sleezy smile*.
Me:...I would REALLY not advise that, sir.
CG: Obviously you've never seen Wedding Crashers.
Me: *Fighting VERY hard not to glare at him*
So he wanders away from my desk then comes back later.
CG: You know Chivalry is dead.
Me: *blank stare*
CG: A woman should jump at any chance for a free breakfast.
Me: *change that now to an angry stare*
CG: Its the polite thing to do. I'm only doing you a favor.
Me: Not....Hungry. *thinking "do not set patron on fire do not set patron on fire". Its probably reading on my face by now.*
CG: Whatever then.
Me: *puts hand on walkie-talkie getting ready to call security. Its either that or I go to jail for beating him with my chair*
CG:Opens his mouth to speak but probably registered that I wanted to set him on fire. He leaves quickly*
It took a long shower to wash his sleeze off me.
Me: Hi there How can I help you?
Creepy Guy: I'd like to buy you breakfast. *grins*
Me: *pause. Eye Bug* Uh...What?
CG: I'd like to buy you breakfast
Me: *Big fake smile* No thank you.
CG: No breakfast today? Then perhaps..tomorrow morning? *sleezy smile*
Me: *Flashes wedding ring* Not interested. Would you like an admission?
CG: *noticing people going downstairs to an event* What's going on?
Me: There is a memorial going on.
CG: For a dead person?
Me: ... yes
CG: You know...I should crash that...get me one of them young grieving widows. Because I'm not as old as I feel..if you understand that *sleezy smile*.
Me:...I would REALLY not advise that, sir.
CG: Obviously you've never seen Wedding Crashers.
Me: *Fighting VERY hard not to glare at him*
So he wanders away from my desk then comes back later.
CG: You know Chivalry is dead.
Me: *blank stare*
CG: A woman should jump at any chance for a free breakfast.
Me: *change that now to an angry stare*
CG: Its the polite thing to do. I'm only doing you a favor.
Me: Not....Hungry. *thinking "do not set patron on fire do not set patron on fire". Its probably reading on my face by now.*
CG: Whatever then.
Me: *puts hand on walkie-talkie getting ready to call security. Its either that or I go to jail for beating him with my chair*
CG:Opens his mouth to speak but probably registered that I wanted to set him on fire. He leaves quickly*
It took a long shower to wash his sleeze off me.
When A Stranger Calls
Three in a row:
*Phone Rings*
Me: Hi, How can I help you?
Woman: I'm looking to purchase tickets to a film festival at your auditorium.
Me: No problem. You can buy the tickets at the door or you can buy them online at filmfest dot-
Woman: Filmfest at movie? Got it
Me: No, Its actually filmfest dot-
Woman: Movie film at fest?
Me: Um..no its Film-
Woman: Eventfest at Movie Film dot org?
Me: ...No its filmfes-
Woman:You know You're REALLY bad at giving out websites and you REALLY need to speak clearer.
Me: *headdesk*
*Phone Rings*
Me: Hi, How can I help you?
Lady: I got something in the mail about an event?
Me: Okay, do you know the name of the event?
Lady: No.
Me: Okay no problem. Do you know the date?
Lady: No.
Me...Okay. How about the general month its happening?
Lady: No.
Me: .....How about what the event is? Do you know if its a concert or an opening or something like that?
Lady: No.
Me:.....Okay then....do you have any details on what event this may be at all?
Lady: Just that its an event.
Me: ...Hold Please.
*Phone Rings*
Me: Hi, How can I Help you?
Teenager: I don't know where I am!
Me: ...Are you planning on coming here?
Teenager: I donno!
Me: Um....Okay would you like directions to here then?
Teenager: I donno!
Me: ...Please Hold.
*Phone Rings*
Me: Hi, How can I help you?
Woman: I'm looking to purchase tickets to a film festival at your auditorium.
Me: No problem. You can buy the tickets at the door or you can buy them online at filmfest dot-
Woman: Filmfest at movie? Got it
Me: No, Its actually filmfest dot-
Woman: Movie film at fest?
Me: Um..no its Film-
Woman: Eventfest at Movie Film dot org?
Me: ...No its filmfes-
Woman:You know You're REALLY bad at giving out websites and you REALLY need to speak clearer.
Me: *headdesk*
*Phone Rings*
Me: Hi, How can I help you?
Lady: I got something in the mail about an event?
Me: Okay, do you know the name of the event?
Lady: No.
Me: Okay no problem. Do you know the date?
Lady: No.
Me...Okay. How about the general month its happening?
Lady: No.
Me: .....How about what the event is? Do you know if its a concert or an opening or something like that?
Lady: No.
Me:.....Okay then....do you have any details on what event this may be at all?
Lady: Just that its an event.
Me: ...Hold Please.
*Phone Rings*
Me: Hi, How can I Help you?
Teenager: I don't know where I am!
Me: ...Are you planning on coming here?
Teenager: I donno!
Me: Um....Okay would you like directions to here then?
Teenager: I donno!
Me: ...Please Hold.
Seriously, You're Not Funny
Its a pet peeve of mine.
A serious one apparently because it aggravates me more every time I get one of these blokes. And its ALWAYS guys. Sorry fellas but apparently this is a male trait. Either that or women are so lousy at doing this that I can't even tell when they are doing this...which really could be the case.
This is when someone RELENTLESSLY tries to crack wise for no apparent reason. Now I don't mind a little smart ass remark every once in a while and I don't mind if it's truly a witty statement you make or you're actually CHARMING and can get away with that shit. A good sense of humor and a sharp wit is the key to my heart and possibly panties.
But the majority of the guys who DO this are:
1-NOT charming
2-NOT funny
and
3-NOT witty at all.
Which ends up with me constantly fake laughing at the same fucking horrid joke for 15 goddamned minutes while I am silently wishing you to die. I myself, lose a little bit of my fucking soul when you toss the same goddamn remark at me over and over. And this isn't just a one moment in time. Not just BAM bad joke and moving on. These people relentlessly say the same thing over and over AND FUCKING OVER AGAIN in an attempt to get a reaction/laugh. If I didn't fall over laughing the first time dude, its not going to change on the 5th try.
So just to clear up a few things:
A serious one apparently because it aggravates me more every time I get one of these blokes. And its ALWAYS guys. Sorry fellas but apparently this is a male trait. Either that or women are so lousy at doing this that I can't even tell when they are doing this...which really could be the case.
This is when someone RELENTLESSLY tries to crack wise for no apparent reason. Now I don't mind a little smart ass remark every once in a while and I don't mind if it's truly a witty statement you make or you're actually CHARMING and can get away with that shit. A good sense of humor and a sharp wit is the key to my heart and possibly panties.
But the majority of the guys who DO this are:
1-NOT charming
2-NOT funny
and
3-NOT witty at all.
Which ends up with me constantly fake laughing at the same fucking horrid joke for 15 goddamned minutes while I am silently wishing you to die. I myself, lose a little bit of my fucking soul when you toss the same goddamn remark at me over and over. And this isn't just a one moment in time. Not just BAM bad joke and moving on. These people relentlessly say the same thing over and over AND FUCKING OVER AGAIN in an attempt to get a reaction/laugh. If I didn't fall over laughing the first time dude, its not going to change on the 5th try.
So just to clear up a few things:
- No...that statue is not titled "Goat with Pink". Yes, its a goat. Yes it has some pink on it. No, it is not called "Goat with Pink". I am so happy you think that the title "Goat with Pink" is the wittiest and funniest title you ever heard. I can tell by the way you donkey laugh after every time you say it at me. I'm sorry I don't share your enthusiasm with the title "Goat with Pink". Please stop coming to my desk and repeating this joke at me. My fake laugh is wearing VERY thin.
- Yes the ticket is good for seven days. Yes I do mean seven days in a row. No you can not pick which seven days even though you think its HILARIOUS that you could. So you wanting to come back on June the 21st 2035 is not a valid date. Oh and no we won't set up a cot in the back for you so you can spend your full seven days here. ...Move along sir.
- Oh? So you are a senior/student/under 20/military vet? Oh well good for you sir, I'm going to have to see all those IDs then. Oh I'm sorry your wallet was stolen. No, I can't take your word for it. Oh and no, those discounts don't cancel each other out and that means you get free admission. Oh yes, I NEVER heard that one before, you're so clever.
- Once again...the statue is NOT called "Goat with Pink"!
- Yes sir there is no photography...even though your Russian, yes. No photography. This is due to copyright issues. No, taking a photo of me in front of the piece isn't going to change this. Yes, thank you for calling me such a pretty girl but the answer is still no. Yes, even though you're Russian.
- Ah yes a $1,000,000,000 bill you just handed me with your face on it...ah yes...heh...thanks for the tip, dipshit.
- FUCK YOU! ITS NOT CALLED "GOAT WITH PINK!
!!" - Oh you parked in the staff lot because you ARE staff? May I see your badge? Oh its in your OTHER pants? Oh sir, your rapier wit cuts me in twain!
- Whats that? you're going to come, take photos, and then run out to see what I can do?...Oh yes sir...please try me.
No One Ever Sees that Damn Banner.
Incident #1
me: *picks up phone* Hello, How can I help you?
Stupid Woman 1: Transfer me to extention 166.
Me: Sure, I'll transfer you right now.
me: *picks up phone* Hello, How can I help you?
Stupid Woman 1: Transfer me to extention 166.
Me: Sure, I'll transfer you right now.
SW1: WAIT! No one knows about this event happening!
Me:...Oh...If you like, I'll open my calendar and see what I can find for you. If Its not on my list I'll transfer you up to events so they can -
SW1: NO! No one knows! The stupid man before you said he didn't know anything!
me:..Oh...Alright then I'll transfer you up to 166 in events. One moment.
SW1: Listen to me, stupid! No one knows! Transfer me up to events!
Me: Ma'am, I'm going to transfer you now.
SW1: NO! You stupid girl! I was supposed to talk to Eddie!
Me: *Getting annoyed now* Ma'am, Eddie is not at ext 166. But if you rather talk to him I'll transfer you to -
SW1: NO! he's not in! Why is everyone so stupid!!?!
Me: Ma'am. If he's not in I'll transfer you to extension 166 to Eric. He'll answer your question.
SW1: NO! I-
Me: *Tranfers her over mid sentence*
Incident #2
Stupid Woman 2: I want to come in.
Me: I'm sorry, we're closed until Saturday. But our shop and our garden is open if you'd like to see those today!
SW2: *makes assorted angry grunts and snorts* This is ridiculous!
Me: I'm so sorry for the inconvenience.
SW2: WHY ISN'T THERE A SIGN ON THE DOOR!?
Me: ...We actually have a banner right in front of the door. You walked past it *points to 6 foot tall bright pink closed for install banner*
SW2: *blinks, snorts in indignation and storms out.*
SW1: NO! No one knows! The stupid man before you said he didn't know anything!
me:..Oh...Alright then I'll transfer you up to 166 in events. One moment.
SW1: Listen to me, stupid! No one knows! Transfer me up to events!
Me: Ma'am, I'm going to transfer you now.
SW1: NO! You stupid girl! I was supposed to talk to Eddie!
Me: *Getting annoyed now* Ma'am, Eddie is not at ext 166. But if you rather talk to him I'll transfer you to -
SW1: NO! he's not in! Why is everyone so stupid!!?!
Me: Ma'am. If he's not in I'll transfer you to extension 166 to Eric. He'll answer your question.
SW1: NO! I-
Me: *Tranfers her over mid sentence*
Incident #2
Stupid Woman 2: I want to come in.
Me: I'm sorry, we're closed until Saturday. But our shop and our garden is open if you'd like to see those today!
SW2: *makes assorted angry grunts and snorts* This is ridiculous!
Me: I'm so sorry for the inconvenience.
SW2: WHY ISN'T THERE A SIGN ON THE DOOR!?
Me: ...We actually have a banner right in front of the door. You walked past it *points to 6 foot tall bright pink closed for install banner*
SW2: *blinks, snorts in indignation and storms out.*
The Entitlement Parade
You know, the day had been busy but fine...until about an hour ago when the entitlement parade marched across my desk. It was a colorful spectacle full of noise, colorful characters, and a couple of farting elephants as well I believe.
I should have passed out balloons and made popcorn.
You know, I never thought that work could actually frizz out my hair but during the course of the last hour, my hair has slowly but surely been getting bushier and bushier...and bushier...
Two separate older women bitched me out because we did not have free brochures on something specific. Granted, that's a pet peeve of mine too here but I didn't think it really required the righteous indignation these women were displaying. Seriously, you think I would have taken away their right to vote with the way they reacted. Holy crap, deny one person of their freebie and its the end of western civilization as well know it! Send out the hounds!!
Another one of the said women said that our free audio tour was ridiculous because she had to go through the ENTIRE location and LOOK at things...
...still trying to grasp that one.
I usually am in a generous mood. If people are polite and friendly, I will bend the rules. But come ON bitchy lady with the horde of youngsters with no IDs. I gave you freebies because I was being nice. Don't sit at my desk and continue to bitch because I'm making you pay a whopping FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS for your one senior ticket. You are wearing a Hermes sweater and a carrying Prada bag after spending hundreds of dollars in our gift shop. I'm pretty sure five bucks isn't going to break you.
Oh...and you? The couple over there? When you cut in line in front of five people, you bet your ass I'm making you go to the back of the line again. Don't roll your eyes and sigh at me like I'm horribly inconveniencing you then proceed to tell me that I shouldn't have made you go to the back of the line. Frankly, you're not that important for me to let you cut in front of others.
And dude? Yeah, When you smoke a bowl before you come in, be sure to at least spray a little Axe or something on you. You came to the front desk and I suddenly got paranoid and the munchies....and no, I don't sell Doritos here at my desk.
You. Yeah, you. You watched me get up, walk across the entire lobby and close the door behind the people who came in and left it open, then go back across the lobby and sit back down to work. So what do you do? You pull the door open again and leave it open as you leave anyways. You, are what we in the biz call an asshole.
Also, this is not JC Penny's. You can't come in to browse then leave. You have to pay an admission for that. So family who told me you were just going to browse around and I stopped you? Yeah don't throw a tantrum when I politely tell you there is admission fee. Yes yes I'm sure everything free where you come from so its a shame we're not.
Yes I know, we're horrible.
God, I need a drink.
I should have passed out balloons and made popcorn.
You know, I never thought that work could actually frizz out my hair but during the course of the last hour, my hair has slowly but surely been getting bushier and bushier...and bushier...
Two separate older women bitched me out because we did not have free brochures on something specific. Granted, that's a pet peeve of mine too here but I didn't think it really required the righteous indignation these women were displaying. Seriously, you think I would have taken away their right to vote with the way they reacted. Holy crap, deny one person of their freebie and its the end of western civilization as well know it! Send out the hounds!!
Another one of the said women said that our free audio tour was ridiculous because she had to go through the ENTIRE location and LOOK at things...
...still trying to grasp that one.
I usually am in a generous mood. If people are polite and friendly, I will bend the rules. But come ON bitchy lady with the horde of youngsters with no IDs. I gave you freebies because I was being nice. Don't sit at my desk and continue to bitch because I'm making you pay a whopping FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS for your one senior ticket. You are wearing a Hermes sweater and a carrying Prada bag after spending hundreds of dollars in our gift shop. I'm pretty sure five bucks isn't going to break you.
Oh...and you? The couple over there? When you cut in line in front of five people, you bet your ass I'm making you go to the back of the line again. Don't roll your eyes and sigh at me like I'm horribly inconveniencing you then proceed to tell me that I shouldn't have made you go to the back of the line. Frankly, you're not that important for me to let you cut in front of others.
And dude? Yeah, When you smoke a bowl before you come in, be sure to at least spray a little Axe or something on you. You came to the front desk and I suddenly got paranoid and the munchies....and no, I don't sell Doritos here at my desk.
You. Yeah, you. You watched me get up, walk across the entire lobby and close the door behind the people who came in and left it open, then go back across the lobby and sit back down to work. So what do you do? You pull the door open again and leave it open as you leave anyways. You, are what we in the biz call an asshole.
Also, this is not JC Penny's. You can't come in to browse then leave. You have to pay an admission for that. So family who told me you were just going to browse around and I stopped you? Yeah don't throw a tantrum when I politely tell you there is admission fee. Yes yes I'm sure everything free where you come from so its a shame we're not.
Yes I know, we're horrible.
God, I need a drink.
I Speak Customer-eeze
Them: We were looking at a piece of art and we found a TYPO!
Me: Oh, do you mean in the label?
Them: NO! In the actual art!
Me: Oh, well I believe the artist mispelled that intentionally.
Them: I doubt that because everything else is spelled right.
Me:No, I'm pretty sure it is done intentionally.
Them: ...Well no one smart would mispell intentionallly. We needed to let you know about the typo. You should look into that.
Me: Oh...Okay then.
Translation: We know you can't do anything about the typo. But we wanted to bring it up to show you that we are smarter than you because we spotted a typo. We don't care that it has true meaning to the art nor did we notice that the piece even could mean more than what is right in front of us.
But just FYI...We're smarter than you.
Her and her two kids: What's the price?
Me: Its $7 for General, $5 for Students and senior. And people 20 and under are free.
Her: Oh..So that means my kids have to pay $25 each?!
Me: Um No. It means if they are under the age of 20, they get in for free. I just need to see an ID.
Her: *teens take out their IDs* Oh..here's my ID too! (Dated 1966 for her birth year)
Me: Um..oh..Its the ages 20 and under that get in for free. Are you a Student or Military?
Her *blank look...Shakes ID in my face*
Me: Ma'am. how would you like to pay for your admission?
Her :I HAVE TO PAY?!
Me:...yes
Her: I'M NOT GOING INSIDE! *storms off*
Translation: I am an idiot and I didn't listen to a damn word you said when you answered my question.
Person: So this (place of business that really has no tourist retail whatsoever)
me: Yes it is.
Person: So do you know the name of the store where you can find those black aprons that are all rhinestones out with different sayings and pictures. I want one that says Hot Mama.
Me: ...No. Sorry.
Person: Well can you go find out? I'm busy. I'll wait here.
Translation: I have no time to call 411.
Me: Oh, do you mean in the label?
Them: NO! In the actual art!
Me: Oh, well I believe the artist mispelled that intentionally.
Them: I doubt that because everything else is spelled right.
Me:No, I'm pretty sure it is done intentionally.
Them: ...Well no one smart would mispell intentionallly. We needed to let you know about the typo. You should look into that.
Me: Oh...Okay then.
Translation: We know you can't do anything about the typo. But we wanted to bring it up to show you that we are smarter than you because we spotted a typo. We don't care that it has true meaning to the art nor did we notice that the piece even could mean more than what is right in front of us.
But just FYI...We're smarter than you.
Her and her two kids: What's the price?
Me: Its $7 for General, $5 for Students and senior. And people 20 and under are free.
Her: Oh..So that means my kids have to pay $25 each?!
Me: Um No. It means if they are under the age of 20, they get in for free. I just need to see an ID.
Her: *teens take out their IDs* Oh..here's my ID too! (Dated 1966 for her birth year)
Me: Um..oh..Its the ages 20 and under that get in for free. Are you a Student or Military?
Her *blank look...Shakes ID in my face*
Me: Ma'am. how would you like to pay for your admission?
Her :I HAVE TO PAY?!
Me:...yes
Her: I'M NOT GOING INSIDE! *storms off*
Translation: I am an idiot and I didn't listen to a damn word you said when you answered my question.
Person: So this (place of business that really has no tourist retail whatsoever)
me: Yes it is.
Person: So do you know the name of the store where you can find those black aprons that are all rhinestones out with different sayings and pictures. I want one that says Hot Mama.
Me: ...No. Sorry.
Person: Well can you go find out? I'm busy. I'll wait here.
Translation: I have no time to call 411.
A Vow of Silence
I was at work...with no friggin' voice.
Its been... Okay its been my own personal Hell not being able to speak, I'll admit it. Especially when I work in a field where all I do is answer questions.
Good part is most people have been very pleasant and sympathetic to my pathetic state today. And some have foolishly asked me "Oh? You lost your voice? How?" Then patiently wait for me to explain while I squeak and whistle out an answer. At least they were being concerned.
And then there's the douche bags.
First one came in with his girlfriend. Usually when people arrive I greet with a audible 'Hello! How can I help you?" To get someones attention but my voice wouldn't even carry past the front desk that day. So instead I stood, waved my arms, and squeaked out "Hello". That brought them over close enough so I could talk to them. I Go through my shpeal, voice weak and cracking.
The girlfriend asked 'Oh, do you have laryngitis?"
I said "Unfortunately yes. Today I lost my voice." Then move on with the conversation.
Then suddenly, Douche bag piped up with "You know, we ALMOST walked past you today. You really should be more forward about greeting people. I don't know why you didn't shout "Hey Hello! How can I help you!" When we came in"
...He wasn't joking. I
think both me and his Girlfriend gave him the same look. I really couldn't justify that statement with a response that didn't involve me flipping him the bird. So I just smiled and waved them in.
Its been... Okay its been my own personal Hell not being able to speak, I'll admit it. Especially when I work in a field where all I do is answer questions.
Good part is most people have been very pleasant and sympathetic to my pathetic state today. And some have foolishly asked me "Oh? You lost your voice? How?" Then patiently wait for me to explain while I squeak and whistle out an answer. At least they were being concerned.
And then there's the douche bags.
First one came in with his girlfriend. Usually when people arrive I greet with a audible 'Hello! How can I help you?" To get someones attention but my voice wouldn't even carry past the front desk that day. So instead I stood, waved my arms, and squeaked out "Hello". That brought them over close enough so I could talk to them. I Go through my shpeal, voice weak and cracking.
The girlfriend asked 'Oh, do you have laryngitis?"
I said "Unfortunately yes. Today I lost my voice." Then move on with the conversation.
Then suddenly, Douche bag piped up with "You know, we ALMOST walked past you today. You really should be more forward about greeting people. I don't know why you didn't shout "Hey Hello! How can I help you!" When we came in"
...He wasn't joking. I
think both me and his Girlfriend gave him the same look. I really couldn't justify that statement with a response that didn't involve me flipping him the bird. So I just smiled and waved them in.
Bitchy Film People
So we have an auditorium and we use it for various things. We tend to use it for our own events but to make some money we also rent it out to outside venues as well (dance companies, other film companies, concerts, etc.) Sometimes it leads to confusion on where people can buy tickets, which is understandable. So I get a lot of calls when we have outside events asking to buy tickets. No problem, though. I always have the ticket information available like a phone number, website, or a location. For the most part, people are always thankful and nice and respond with a "Thanks!".
But apparently one film had an audience made up of nothing but raging douche canoes.
It was an RSVP only event and they were full. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Yet we had people calling every 10 minutes asking me for tickets. The conversations usually went like this:
Me: Place of business, this is Me.
Them: Yeah, there's this film showing? Its tonight? I wanna reserve tickets!
Me: Oh I'm sorry, since that's an outside event, we doesn't handle tickets to it. I heard that it is sold out but I have a number here you can call to confirm that. Maybe you'll luck out!
Them: Oh I ALREADY called that number! They said they were sold out!
Me:...Ah.
Them: So I want YOU to get me some tickets!
me: I'm sorry, I cannot get you any tickets to that event. We don't handle the tickets for it.
Them: But you're right THERE! Get me a ticket!
me: It is PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for me to get you tickets to this event.
Them: Then I'm coming down in person to get them! *click*
me: *Headdesk*
Lather, Rinse, Repeat, now in person. You can also add the following phrases of "You REALLY should put this movie on your website or I'd never know where to get tickets!" and "I'm an upstanding member of the community so you should do me this favor and get me a ticket" somewhere in the above scripted form.
This exchange was my favorite though.
Her: Hi, I got tickets to this film tonight and now I can't make it, I would like a refund.
Me: I'm sorry Ma'am but we don't handle any of the ticket sales for that event since it is an outside event. But I have the reservation phone line here you can call.
Her: Can't YOU just give me the refund?
Me: No Ma'am, I cannot. You will have to call the following number, XXX-YYYY.
Her: But I called here and you should cancel my tickets for me.
Me: Ma'am, I have no control over the ticket reservations whatsoever. So you are going to have to call the reservation line .
Her: I have a LOT of things to do today and I can't waste my time talking on the phone and making phone calls. Can't you just call them for me?
Me: Ma'am, it is not legal for me to perform your refund over the phone to another party. So if you do want your money back you are going to have to call the reservation line.
Her: FINE! *click*
I didn't get a chance to explain to her that the event was free. So I have NO idea where her credit card came into play.
Ooooh people are amusing.
But apparently one film had an audience made up of nothing but raging douche canoes.
It was an RSVP only event and they were full. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Yet we had people calling every 10 minutes asking me for tickets. The conversations usually went like this:
Me: Place of business, this is Me.
Them: Yeah, there's this film showing? Its tonight? I wanna reserve tickets!
Me: Oh I'm sorry, since that's an outside event, we doesn't handle tickets to it. I heard that it is sold out but I have a number here you can call to confirm that. Maybe you'll luck out!
Them: Oh I ALREADY called that number! They said they were sold out!
Me:...Ah.
Them: So I want YOU to get me some tickets!
me: I'm sorry, I cannot get you any tickets to that event. We don't handle the tickets for it.
Them: But you're right THERE! Get me a ticket!
me: It is PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for me to get you tickets to this event.
Them: Then I'm coming down in person to get them! *click*
me: *Headdesk*
Lather, Rinse, Repeat, now in person. You can also add the following phrases of "You REALLY should put this movie on your website or I'd never know where to get tickets!" and "I'm an upstanding member of the community so you should do me this favor and get me a ticket" somewhere in the above scripted form.
This exchange was my favorite though.
Her: Hi, I got tickets to this film tonight and now I can't make it, I would like a refund.
Me: I'm sorry Ma'am but we don't handle any of the ticket sales for that event since it is an outside event. But I have the reservation phone line here you can call.
Her: Can't YOU just give me the refund?
Me: No Ma'am, I cannot. You will have to call the following number, XXX-YYYY.
Her: But I called here and you should cancel my tickets for me.
Me: Ma'am, I have no control over the ticket reservations whatsoever. So you are going to have to call the reservation line .
Her: I have a LOT of things to do today and I can't waste my time talking on the phone and making phone calls. Can't you just call them for me?
Me: Ma'am, it is not legal for me to perform your refund over the phone to another party. So if you do want your money back you are going to have to call the reservation line.
Her: FINE! *click*
I didn't get a chance to explain to her that the event was free. So I have NO idea where her credit card came into play.
Ooooh people are amusing.
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