Seriously, You're Not Funny

Its a pet peeve of mine.
A serious one apparently because it aggravates me more every time I get one of these blokes. And its ALWAYS guys. Sorry fellas but apparently this is a male trait.  Either that or women are so lousy at doing this that I can't even tell when they are doing this...which really could be the case.
This is when someone RELENTLESSLY tries to crack wise  for no apparent reason. Now I don't mind a little smart ass remark every once in a while and I don't mind if it's truly a witty statement you make or you're actually CHARMING and can get away with that shit. A good sense of humor and a sharp wit is the key to my heart and possibly panties.
But the majority of the guys who DO this are:
1-NOT charming  
2-NOT funny 
and 
3-NOT witty at all. 

Which ends up with me constantly fake laughing at the same fucking horrid joke for 15 goddamned minutes while I am silently wishing you to die. I myself, lose a little bit of my fucking soul when you toss the same goddamn remark at me over and over. And this isn't just a one moment in time. Not just BAM bad joke and moving on. These people relentlessly say the same thing over and over AND FUCKING OVER AGAIN in an attempt to get a reaction/laugh. If I didn't fall over laughing the first time dude, its not going to change on the 5th try.

So just to clear up a few things:

• No...that statue is not titled "Goat with Pink". Yes, its a goat. Yes it has some pink on it. No, it is not called "Goat with Pink". I am so happy you think that the title "Goat with Pink" is the wittiest and funniest title you ever heard. I can tell by the way you donkey laugh after every time you say it at me. I'm sorry I don't share your enthusiasm with the title "Goat with Pink". Please stop coming to my desk and repeating this joke at me. My fake laugh is wearing VERY thin.
• Yes the ticket is good for seven days. Yes I do mean seven days in a row. No you can not pick which seven days even though you think its HILARIOUS that you could. So you wanting to come back on June the 21st 2035 is not a valid date. Oh and no we won't set up a cot in the back for you so you can spend your full seven days here. ...Move along sir.
• Oh? So you are a senior/student/under 20/military vet? Oh well good for you sir, I'm going to have to see all those IDs then. Oh I'm sorry your wallet was stolen. No, I can't take your word for it. Oh and no, those discounts don't cancel each other out and that means you get free admission. Oh yes, I NEVER heard that one before, you're so clever.
• Once again...the statue is NOT called "Goat with Pink"!
• Yes sir there is no photography...even though your Russian, yes. No photography. This is due to copyright issues. No, taking a photo of me in front of the piece isn't going to change this. Yes, thank you for calling me such a pretty girl but the answer is still no. Yes, even though you're Russian.
• Ah yes a $1,000,000,000 bill you just handed me with your face on it...ah yes...heh...thanks for the tip, dipshit.
• FUCK YOU! ITS NOT CALLED "GOAT WITH PINK!!!"
• Oh you parked in the staff lot because you ARE staff? May I see your badge? Oh its in your OTHER pants? Oh sir, your rapier wit cuts me in twain!
• Whats that? you're going to come, take photos, and then run out to see what I can do?...Oh yes sir...please try me.

No One Ever Sees that Damn Banner.

Incident #1

me: *picks up phone* Hello, How can I help you?

Stupid Woman 1: Transfer me to extention 166.

Me: Sure, I'll transfer you right now.

SW1: WAIT! No one knows about this event happening!

Me:...Oh...If you like, I'll open my calendar and see what I can find for you. If Its not on my list I'll transfer you up to events so they can -

SW1: NO! No one knows! The stupid man before you said he didn't know anything!

me:..Oh...Alright then I'll transfer you up to 166 in events. One moment.

SW1: Listen to me, stupid! No one knows! Transfer me up to events!

Me: Ma'am, I'm going to transfer you now.

SW1: NO! You stupid girl! I was supposed to talk to Eddie!

Me: *Getting annoyed now* Ma'am, Eddie is not at ext 166. But if you rather talk to him I'll transfer you to -

SW1: NO! he's not in! Why is everyone so stupid!!?!

Me: Ma'am. If he's not in I'll transfer you to extension 166 to Eric. He'll answer your question.

SW1: NO!  I-

Me: *Tranfers her over mid sentence*



Incident #2

Stupid Woman 2: I want to come in.

Me: I'm sorry, we're closed until Saturday. But our shop and our garden is open if you'd like to see those today!

SW2: *makes assorted angry grunts and snorts* This is ridiculous!

Me: I'm so sorry for the inconvenience.

SW2: WHY ISN'T THERE A SIGN ON THE DOOR!?

Me: ...We actually have a banner right in front of the door. You walked past it  *points to 6 foot tall bright pink closed for install banner*

SW2: *blinks, snorts in indignation and storms out.*

The Entitlement Parade

You know, the day had been busy but fine...until about an hour ago when the entitlement parade marched across my desk. It was a colorful spectacle full of noise, colorful characters, and a couple of  farting elephants as well I believe. 
I should have passed out balloons and made popcorn. 
You know, I never thought that work could actually frizz out my hair but during the course of the last hour, my hair has slowly but surely been getting bushier and bushier...and bushier... 

Two separate older women bitched me out because we did not have free brochures on something specific. Granted, that's a pet peeve of mine too here but I didn't think it really required the righteous indignation these women were displaying. Seriously, you think I would have taken away their right to vote with the way they reacted.  Holy crap, deny one person of their freebie and its the end of western civilization as well know it! Send out the hounds!! 

Another one of the said women said that our free audio tour was ridiculous because she had to go through the ENTIRE location and LOOK at  things... 
...still trying to grasp that one. 

I usually am in a generous mood. If people are polite and friendly, I will bend the rules.   But come ON bitchy lady with the horde of youngsters with no IDs. I gave you freebies because I was being nice. Don't sit at my desk and continue to bitch because I'm making you pay a whopping FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS for your one senior ticket. You are wearing a Hermes sweater and a carrying Prada bag after spending hundreds of dollars in our gift shop. I'm pretty sure five bucks isn't going to break you. 

Oh...and you? The couple over there? When you cut in line in front of five people, you bet your ass I'm making you go to the back of the line again. Don't roll your eyes and sigh at me like I'm horribly inconveniencing you then proceed to tell me that I shouldn't have made you go to the back of the line. Frankly, you're not that important for me to let you cut in front of others. 

And dude? Yeah, When you smoke a bowl before you come in, be sure to at least spray a little Axe or something on you. You came to the front desk and I suddenly got paranoid and the munchies....and no, I don't sell Doritos here at my desk. 


You. Yeah, you. You watched me get up, walk across the entire lobby and close the door behind the people who came in and left it open, then go back across the lobby and sit back down to work. So what do you do? You pull the door open again and leave it open as you leave anyways. You, are what we in the biz call an asshole. 

Also, this is not JC Penny's. You can't come in to browse then leave. You have to pay an admission for that. So family who told me you were just going to browse around and I stopped you? Yeah don't throw a tantrum when I politely tell you there is admission fee. Yes yes I'm sure everything free where you come from so its a shame we're not. 
Yes I know, we're horrible. 

God, I need a drink.

I Speak Customer-eeze

Them: We were looking at a piece of art and we found a TYPO! 

Me: Oh, do you mean in the  label? 

Them: NO! In the actual art! 

Me: Oh, well I believe the artist mispelled that intentionally. 

Them: I doubt that because everything else is spelled right. 

Me:No, I'm pretty sure it is done intentionally. 

Them: ...Well no one smart would mispell intentionallly. We needed to let you know about the typo. You should look into that. 

Me: Oh...Okay then. 

Translation: We know you can't do anything about the typo. But we wanted to bring it up to show you that we are smarter than you because we spotted a typo. We don't care that it has true meaning to the art nor did we notice that the piece even could mean more than what is right in front of us. 
But just FYI...We're smarter than you. 



Her and her two kids: What's the price? 

Me: Its $7 for General, $5 for Students and senior. And people 20 and under are free.

Her: Oh..So that means my kids have to pay $25 each?! 

Me: Um No. It means if they are under the age of 20,  they get in for free. I just need to see an ID.

Her: *teens take out their IDs* Oh..here's my ID too! (Dated 1966 for her birth year) 

Me: Um..oh..Its the ages 20 and under that get in for free. Are you a Student or Military? 

Her *blank look...Shakes ID in my face* 

Me: Ma'am. how would you like to pay for your admission? 

Her :I HAVE TO PAY?! 

Me:...yes 

Her: I'M NOT GOING INSIDE! *storms off* 

Translation: I am an idiot and I didn't listen to a damn word you said when you answered my question. 




Person: So this (place of business that really has no tourist retail whatsoever)

me: Yes it is. 

Person: So do you know the name of the store where you can find those black aprons that are all rhinestones out with different sayings and pictures. I want one that says Hot Mama. 

Me: ...No. Sorry. 

Person: Well can you go find out? I'm busy. I'll wait here.


Translation: I have no time to call 411.

A Vow of Silence

I was at work...with no friggin' voice. 
Its been... Okay its been my own personal Hell not being able to speak, I'll admit it. Especially when I work in a field where all I do is answer questions. 
Good part is most people have been very pleasant and sympathetic to my pathetic state today. And some have foolishly asked me "Oh? You lost your voice? How?" Then patiently wait for me to explain while I squeak and whistle out an answer. At least they were being concerned. 

And then there's the douche bags. 

First one came in with his girlfriend. Usually when people arrive I greet with a audible 'Hello! How can I help you?" To get someones attention but my voice wouldn't even carry past the front desk that day. So instead I stood, waved my arms, and squeaked out "Hello". That brought them over close enough so I could talk to them. I Go through my shpeal, voice weak and cracking. 
The girlfriend asked 'Oh, do you have laryngitis?" 
I said "Unfortunately yes. Today I lost my voice." Then move on with the conversation.
 Then suddenly, Douche bag piped up with "You know, we ALMOST walked past you today. You really should be more forward about greeting people. I don't know why you didn't shout "Hey Hello! How can I help you!" When we came in"
...He wasn't joking. I
 think both me and his Girlfriend gave him the same look. I really couldn't justify that statement with a response that didn't involve me flipping him the bird. So I just smiled and waved them in. 

Bitchy Film People

So we have an auditorium and we use it for various things.  We tend to use it for our own events but to make some money we also rent it out to outside venues as well (dance companies, other film companies, concerts, etc.) Sometimes it leads to confusion on where people can buy tickets, which is understandable.  So I get a lot of calls when we have outside events asking to buy tickets. No problem, though. I always have the ticket information available  like a phone number, website, or a location. For the most part, people are always thankful and nice and respond with a "Thanks!". 
But apparently one film had an audience made up of nothing but raging douche canoes. 
It was an RSVP only event and they were full. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Yet we had people calling every 10 minutes asking me for tickets. The conversations usually went like this: 

Me: Place of business, this is Me. 

Them: Yeah, there's this film showing? Its tonight? I wanna reserve tickets! 

Me: Oh I'm sorry, since that's an outside event, we doesn't handle tickets to it. I heard that it is sold out but I have a number here you can call to confirm that. Maybe you'll luck out! 

Them: Oh I ALREADY called that number! They said they were sold out! 

Me:...Ah. 

Them: So I want YOU to get me some tickets! 

me: I'm sorry, I cannot get you any tickets to that event. We don't handle the tickets for it. 

Them: But you're right THERE! Get me a ticket! 

me: It is PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for me to get you tickets to this event. 

Them: Then I'm coming down in person to get them! *click* 

me: *Headdesk* 

Lather, Rinse, Repeat, now in person.  You can also add the following phrases of  "You REALLY should put this movie on your website or I'd never know where to get tickets!" and "I'm an upstanding member of the community so you should do me this favor and get me a ticket" somewhere in the above scripted form. 

This exchange was my favorite though. 

Her: Hi, I got tickets to this film tonight and now I can't make it, I would like a refund. 

Me: I'm sorry Ma'am but we don't handle any of the ticket sales for that event since it is an outside event. But I have the reservation phone line here you can call. 

Her: Can't YOU just give me the refund? 

Me: No Ma'am, I cannot. You will have to call the following number, XXX-YYYY. 

Her: But I called here  and you should cancel my tickets for me. 

Me: Ma'am, I have no control over the ticket reservations whatsoever. So you are going to have to call the reservation line .

Her: I have a LOT of things to do today and I can't waste my time talking on the phone and making phone calls. Can't you just call them for me? 

Me: Ma'am, it is not legal for me to perform your refund over the phone to another party. So if you do want your money back you are going to have to call the reservation line. 

Her: FINE! *click* 

I didn't get a chance to explain to her that the event was free. So I have NO idea where her credit card came into play. 
Ooooh people are amusing.

Wat r Wurds?

Lady on the Phone who apparently has her mouth smooshed against the mouth piece: Hello, do you have a concert on Friday called *Unintelligible*

Me: I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear you.

Lady: SMMemkvfgiuehk.

Me:...Oh..well...we do have a concert event happening tomorrow *catches my mistake* Woops! I mean Friday. Its on Friday.

Lady: TOMORROW?! It should be Friday!!

Me: It is. I'm sorry. That was my mistake. It is on Friday.

Lady: You just said tomorrow!!!

Me: That was my mistake. It was not tomorrow. It is Friday like you said.

Lady: SO is it tomorrow or Friday!?! Why are you so confusing?!

Me: .... I'm going to transfer you over to events.

--------------------------------------------

Woman at my desk: There's a film being shown on Saturday. Can I get tickets here?

Me: I'm sorry, we don't handle the ticket sales for that film. You can buy them at the door the day of though.

Woman: Can I buy them in advanced somewhere else?

Me: I'm sure you can. Let me call someone to get you ticket information. *calls events. They have to find the information since our main events guy is out on vacation so I'm on hold* This will just be a moment. Thank you for being so patient.

Woman: So I can't buy tickets here?

Me: No. I'm sorry.

Woman: Oh. I already know where to get tickets online. Just seeing if you knew too. 

Me: *blinks*

---------------------------------------------------------------

Man: Is your shop closed?

Me: Yes it is. They are doing physical inventory and will be closed for the next two days.

Man:.... But I'm here now.

Me: I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

Man: I want to buy something in there NOW. Can't you just open up the shop for five minutes?

Me: Sir, they are on merchandise lock down for two days. They cannot make any sales. But they have an online store you can use during this time.

Man: I want to buy something NOW. Please open the shop.

Me: Sorry Sir. I cannot do that.

Man: I want to talk to the store manager.

*So I call up the manager and watch a 10 minute conversation of her telling this guy that there are no sales allowed during inventory. His argument was just "But I'm here NOW and I want to buy something NOW so you should let me in NOW". That was it. Nothing more than that. The manager gave up and goes back to inventory, leaving the door open a crack. As I'm working, I see him out of the corner of my eye sneaking towards the door.*

Man: *whispering to his wife* I'm just going to look at that T-shirt and leave the money for it on the counter while they're not looking. They won't mind the sale. I'm helping them out.

Me: Sir, don't make me call security.

*and they leave quickly*