Sometimes I wonder if words come out of my mouth at all.

Guy: *tries locked door #1 finding it locked (natch).

Me: *points to the closed sign*

Guy: *ignores me and tries locked door #2, violently banging himself against it*

Me: *once again points to the closed sign*

Guy *ignores me. Bypasses locked door #3 and slips right through the staff door and to my desk*

Me:... Can I help you?

Guy: I'm here to visit! How much?

Me: We don't open until 11am sir.

Guy: *scowls* Yeah, well that's not going to work for me. So how much?

Me: When we open at 11am you can purchase a ticket for $10.

Guy: I said it won't work for me today.

Me: Then you can come back on Thursday at 11am. *smiles*

Guy: At LEAST give me a pamphlet to read. Not like I'm coming back here since you won't let me in!

-----


Me: Place were I work, this is me, how can I help you?

Man on phone: I want to order tickets for an event on Friday.

Me: Since that is an outside event we don't handle the ticket sales for it, but I can transfer you to our events department and they can give you the information.

Man: Sure

Me: *I transfer him*

*he calls back a minute later*

Me: Place were I work, this is me, how can I help you?

Man on phone: I want to order tickets for an event on Friday.

Me: Did you just call a minute ago?

Man: Yes. No one answered the phone so I want to order tickets from you.

Me:Sir, I'm sorry but you can't order tickets from me. We do not handle the ticket sales for that event. You will have to talk to someone in events. If they're not at their desk at this moment you can leave a message and they will return your call.

Man: Sure.

Me: *I transfer him again*

*He calls back a minute later*

Me: Place were I work, this is me, how can I help you?

Man on phone: I want to order tickets for an event on Friday.

Me: Sir...did you leave a message for events?

Man: I didn't. I want to order tickets from you.

Me: Sir, I cannot. Sell. You. Those. Tickets. You have to leave a message with events.

Man: ...You should have said that before.

The Good

For the most part, I use the blog to bitch.Its a good outlet to my frustrations and lets face it, bail for a murder conviction is pretty steep. I doubt my husband would be able to make that. And while I look fabulous in orange, I'm not really ready to commit to prison life, no matter how much I love Orange is the New Black.

But honestly, the crazies and the douche cannoes are far and few in between. Of course when I DO get them, they are doozies. Most of the folks who do come to my place of work are really lovely human beings who are happy to be out and about on a beautiful day. Its the reason I have been at this desk for nine years. Those people. And after years of analyzing this, they all do the same things which make me happy to help them.
Here's a list of things that make me happy.

1. They smile and say hello. It seems natural that one would do this upon greeting but you'd be shocked how many people don't. I have been assaulted with so many sour face crab-asses that I was starting to believe that maybe I gave off a frowning pheromone.
2. Please and thank you are said. Even if its just a "Two admissions, please" That little word goes a long way. And a Thank you and a smile at the end makes it even better. My least favorite thing is to be treated as an ATM. Don't treat your front desk jockey as an ATM. We're not machines. We're people who just happen to have access to money.
3. They get off their damn cell phones! This isn't an anti technology rant because frankly I LOVE my phone. I love what it can do for me. I cannot live without it these days. But if you plan to buy an admission, please, for the love of god, put down the phone or end the call. That whole "shh, one minute" gesture with your finger will not endear me as you finish your call and clog up my line because Francis has a piano recital next week and you just HAVE to tell your friend Betty about every detail so she can be sure to come watch your precious boo-boo play better than her precious boo-boo and Oh my God shut up and by the damn admission! 
4. They make brief conversation. Now I sometimes get chatters at the desk who want to tell me their life story. I seriously things that's just me. I have a face people spill their guts to, but I do love it when guests engage in brief, friendly conversation. Share your excitement on being on vacation, or the sunshine, or just being out with your family. That's contagious and wonderful and I love feeling like I'm a part of it.
5. They watch their kids. Kids are going to be kids...because they are kids. And that's totally fine What is not totally fine is letting them be kids violently all over things they are not allowed to touch. Don't think I or our security folk won't call you on it. Because we will.And you saying that no one is allowed to tell lil' boo-boo what to do isn't going to make us stop. The families that come in and quietly tell their kids the rules, hold their hands, or at least keep them in eye shot will eternally be endeared to me. 
6. They listen the first time. Repeating myself over and over makes me die a little inside. I am so grateful to the ones that listen to the rules I give for their safety. Its one thing to forget a rule then come back to ask for clarification, its another to walk away while I'm in mid sentence then return pissed that you were disciplined for breaking the rules you didn't bother to listen to. To everyone who listened the first time, thank you.
7. They treat the people at the desk like people. This is the biggie. Folks, you'll be amazed how far a smile and a polite thank you goes. And when I get treated like him a living entity, it makes a huge difference in my day.

So to all the visitors who do the above, thank you from the bottom of my heart. :)

Why did he spread such LIES?!

Tourist: We'd like to come in.

Me: I'm so sorry. We're closed today. We're closed on Wednesdays.

Tourist: But we ask that person outside and they said you'd be open.

Me: I'm sorry, they were mistaken.

Tourist: But he said you were open! Shouldn't he be right?

Me: Sir, that person doesn't work here.

Tourist: Then you shouldn't let him tell us you were open!

Me: .... I"ll get right on that.

I may look like I run the whole place... but its a myth.

Woman on the Phone: Hi. I just got a phone call from a woman who works there but she didn't leave an extension. It was about donations and your building?

Me: Okay. Hmm. Did she give you a name?

Woman: I didn't write it down. It started with an M and was complicated to say.

Me: Unfortunately we don't have anyone who has a name like that who would be in that department.

Woman: Wait...Departments? There's more than one person who works there?

Me: ...Yes.

WHY DID YOU ASK ME?!

Man: Do you know if there's a deli around here?

Me: I'm not sure if there's a deli in this area actually.

Man: Okay. *turns to his wife* I know where there's a deli here.

Me: *rubs temples*



Woman: Excuse me, is this art?

Me: Yes it is. Please don't touch.

Woman: Okay. *leans right on it*

Me: *Rubs her temples some more*



Lady: What time do you close?

Me: We close at 6pm so in 30 minutes.

Lady: Oh, then we'd like to come in.

Me: Sure thing. The last 30 minutes are free but you will be ask to leave at 6pm.

Lady: Really? Why do we only get 30 minutes to walk through?!

Me: ...Because we close in 30 minutes.

Lady: 30 minutes? What time do you close?

Me: 6pm.

Lady: So we have to pay for only 30 minutes!?

Me: Seriously?! Am I on camera today?!

Double Whammy

Girl: Do you have an ATM in here?

Me: I'm sorry, we don't. But if you walk up a block you'll find one.

Girl: I need an ATM.

Me: Well that one is in walking distance.

Girl: *glares at me then leaves*

2 minutes later she returns with her boyfriend.

Boyfriend: Is there an ATM in here?

Me: I'm sorry there isn't. You can walk up one block though. there's one there.

Boyfriend: *Looks at me, then looks at his girlfriend and leads her out*

Girl: I thought she was lying, okay?

*****

MAN: WHAT TIME DO YOU CLOSE?

Me: We close at -

MAN - HOW MUCH IS ADMISSION?

Me: Its -

MAN- WHAT IS DOWN THE STAIRS?

Me: You'll find-

MAN: WHERE ARE THE RESTROOMS?

Me: They're-

MAN: WHY HAVEN'T YOU TOLD ME YOUR CLOSING TIME YET?!