Some days, I wish I stayed in bed.

Know it all: Could you tell me about the architecture?

Me: Sure. Its by -

KIA: Oh I know who did it.

Me:Okay, well then the area -

KIA: I know all about that area.

Me:... Okay...so..what do you want to know about it?

KIA: What is your opinion on the columns?

Me: Oh, I like them.

KIA: Then let me tell you why you're wrong.

Me: *deep sigh*


*******

Angry Dude: Are you someone who can sort out this ticket problem I have?

Me: I'm sorry, no.

AD: Then who can?!

Me: Wel,l the person who does is out of the office. All the staff is since its a holiday.

AD: Well, no one has called me back today, so I came in to get this solved. Get me someone, now.

Me: I'm sorry. You'll have to call tomorrow since its a holiday I can give you the name and extension of -

AD: *Slams his hand on my desk* I ALREADY HAVE IT! I DON"T WANT IT AGAIN! YOU ARE USELESS!!

Me: *discreetly flips hims off as he leaves*


*******

Me: *is hurrying back from her break, two hot coffees in her hands and his ran into by a kid, splashing hot coffee all down the front of me Ow Ow Ow!*

Mother: *To her kid* Hey, say sorry!

Kid: Huh? Oh. Sorry...*They keep on walking on walking*

Me: AAHHH! *is running to the restroom before her flesh melts off*


I'm alright. No burns or long term damage.

Like a circle in a spiral like a wheel within a wheel...

Student: I'd like to come in.

Me: I'm sorry. We're closed. We're going to be closed until June due to construction.

Student: I don't get it.

Me: We have some construction happening so we won't be open for a few weeks.

Student: But my teacher said I could come here.

Me: I'm sorry. They were mistaken. We're closed.

Student: So I can't go inside.

Me: No.

Student: Why not?

Me: ...Because we are closed until June.

Student: Why?

Me: ..Because we are under construction.

Student: But my teacher told me to come here.

Me: I get that. But we're closed.

Student:  So I can't go inside?

Me: *blinks* No.

Student: Why not?

Me: Because...we're...Closed.

Student: Why?

Me: We're... Under...Construction.

Student:... But my teacher-

Me: I'm sorry, you're going to have to leave.

I'm the %1, I guess?

Crazy Lady: I'd like an admission.

Me: I'm sorry Ma'am. We're closed today. We're closed every Wednesday.

CL: *look of shock* NO! That so...STINKY!!!**

Me: I'm very sorry. But this area is open if you'd like to visit there and we'll be fully open tomorrow at 11am.

So she goes into the shop and I figured that's it. She comes back out again and THIS conversation happens. Imagine this conversation happening with a forced smile on my face.

CL: Do you have a brochure?

Me:We don't at this time, but you can find some information in here *hands her other info pamphlets* and this one gives you information on our cell phone tour which is for free. You can also go to our Website and find out even more if you have computer access.

CL:...You people are elitist!

Me:...I'm sorry?

CL: You don't offer ANY FREE brochures AND you're closed which makes you very inaccessible to me. I feel you only want the elite in here.

Me: I'm sorry you feel that way Ma'am. I assure you we are only closed on Wednesdays.

CL: Well you didn't post that ANYWHERE on your building.

Me: Well...We actually have it posted here *points to the big sign out front* and there *points to the big sign behind me*.

CL: Well.... Its all written too small! And you don't include ANY information for the public about anything!

ME: You can find information in the pamphlet I just handed to you.

CL: *Tears it open* Oh yeah?! Where? Where?! WHEEEERREEE! *shakes the pamphlet.

Me: *Gets out of her chair and points to front page* Right there.

CL:..Its not enough information! *keep in mind she is also saying this while standing in front of a wall that gives you a complete rundown of  our location* So VERY elitist here! I can't even go inside?!

Me: I'm sorry Ma'am. We're closed every Wednesday to everyone. But will be open tomorrow at 11am.

CL: I HAVE A LIFE!!! I can't possibly be here when its convenient for YOU!

Me:  I'm sorry then?

CL: SEE?! Your reaction is Elitist!!! You don't even want to accommodate me!

Me: I'm sorry Ma'am. But we're closed today. We're open every other day of the week though from 11am to 5pm.

CL:This place has SO gone down hill. And its become SO snobbish. I'll come back but I'm sure I won't be welcomed! *starts to storm out*

ME: Well we hope to see you soon! Have a good day and enjoy the sunshine!

CL: *Makes a barn yard animal noise*



**Yes, she DID use the word stinky.

Well...

The phone rang at work today.
I picked it up and answered like usual.
No reply.
In the background was what sounded like Cher music.
I look at the screen on my phone and noticed the number read:

666-0666

Satan Called Me.
He likes the musical stylings of Cher.

Sometimes, I just can't win.

Guest: I'l like an admission please.

Me: Oh, I'm sorry. We're closed.

Guest: WHAT?! It didn't say that on the website!!

Me: Actually, its on the font page, see? *shows the man the website*

Guest: Don't you correct me! That's bad customer service!



20 minutes later.


Another Guest: I'd like an admission.

Me: Oh, I'm sorry. We're closed.

Another Guest: WHAT!? It didn't say that on the website!!

Me: *thinks a moment and decides not to correct them* I"m sorry you're disappointed. But this area and this area are open and free of change if you'd like to see that instead.

Another Guest: Show me your website so I can show you your mistake!

Me: ...Okay. *Shows him the website and it clearly says we're closed right on the main page*

Another Guest: ...

Me: ...

Another Guest: This is bad customer service!!

Sometimes I wonder if words come out of my mouth at all.

Guy: *tries locked door #1 finding it locked (natch).

Me: *points to the closed sign*

Guy: *ignores me and tries locked door #2, violently banging himself against it*

Me: *once again points to the closed sign*

Guy *ignores me. Bypasses locked door #3 and slips right through the staff door and to my desk*

Me:... Can I help you?

Guy: I'm here to visit! How much?

Me: We don't open until 11am sir.

Guy: *scowls* Yeah, well that's not going to work for me. So how much?

Me: When we open at 11am you can purchase a ticket for $10.

Guy: I said it won't work for me today.

Me: Then you can come back on Thursday at 11am. *smiles*

Guy: At LEAST give me a pamphlet to read. Not like I'm coming back here since you won't let me in!

-----


Me: Place were I work, this is me, how can I help you?

Man on phone: I want to order tickets for an event on Friday.

Me: Since that is an outside event we don't handle the ticket sales for it, but I can transfer you to our events department and they can give you the information.

Man: Sure

Me: *I transfer him*

*he calls back a minute later*

Me: Place were I work, this is me, how can I help you?

Man on phone: I want to order tickets for an event on Friday.

Me: Did you just call a minute ago?

Man: Yes. No one answered the phone so I want to order tickets from you.

Me:Sir, I'm sorry but you can't order tickets from me. We do not handle the ticket sales for that event. You will have to talk to someone in events. If they're not at their desk at this moment you can leave a message and they will return your call.

Man: Sure.

Me: *I transfer him again*

*He calls back a minute later*

Me: Place were I work, this is me, how can I help you?

Man on phone: I want to order tickets for an event on Friday.

Me: Sir...did you leave a message for events?

Man: I didn't. I want to order tickets from you.

Me: Sir, I cannot. Sell. You. Those. Tickets. You have to leave a message with events.

Man: ...You should have said that before.

The Good

For the most part, I use the blog to bitch.Its a good outlet to my frustrations and lets face it, bail for a murder conviction is pretty steep. I doubt my husband would be able to make that. And while I look fabulous in orange, I'm not really ready to commit to prison life, no matter how much I love Orange is the New Black.

But honestly, the crazies and the douche cannoes are far and few in between. Of course when I DO get them, they are doozies. Most of the folks who do come to my place of work are really lovely human beings who are happy to be out and about on a beautiful day. Its the reason I have been at this desk for nine years. Those people. And after years of analyzing this, they all do the same things which make me happy to help them.
Here's a list of things that make me happy.

1. They smile and say hello. It seems natural that one would do this upon greeting but you'd be shocked how many people don't. I have been assaulted with so many sour face crab-asses that I was starting to believe that maybe I gave off a frowning pheromone.
2. Please and thank you are said. Even if its just a "Two admissions, please" That little word goes a long way. And a Thank you and a smile at the end makes it even better. My least favorite thing is to be treated as an ATM. Don't treat your front desk jockey as an ATM. We're not machines. We're people who just happen to have access to money.
3. They get off their damn cell phones! This isn't an anti technology rant because frankly I LOVE my phone. I love what it can do for me. I cannot live without it these days. But if you plan to buy an admission, please, for the love of god, put down the phone or end the call. That whole "shh, one minute" gesture with your finger will not endear me as you finish your call and clog up my line because Francis has a piano recital next week and you just HAVE to tell your friend Betty about every detail so she can be sure to come watch your precious boo-boo play better than her precious boo-boo and Oh my God shut up and by the damn admission! 
4. They make brief conversation. Now I sometimes get chatters at the desk who want to tell me their life story. I seriously things that's just me. I have a face people spill their guts to, but I do love it when guests engage in brief, friendly conversation. Share your excitement on being on vacation, or the sunshine, or just being out with your family. That's contagious and wonderful and I love feeling like I'm a part of it.
5. They watch their kids. Kids are going to be kids...because they are kids. And that's totally fine What is not totally fine is letting them be kids violently all over things they are not allowed to touch. Don't think I or our security folk won't call you on it. Because we will.And you saying that no one is allowed to tell lil' boo-boo what to do isn't going to make us stop. The families that come in and quietly tell their kids the rules, hold their hands, or at least keep them in eye shot will eternally be endeared to me. 
6. They listen the first time. Repeating myself over and over makes me die a little inside. I am so grateful to the ones that listen to the rules I give for their safety. Its one thing to forget a rule then come back to ask for clarification, its another to walk away while I'm in mid sentence then return pissed that you were disciplined for breaking the rules you didn't bother to listen to. To everyone who listened the first time, thank you.
7. They treat the people at the desk like people. This is the biggie. Folks, you'll be amazed how far a smile and a polite thank you goes. And when I get treated like him a living entity, it makes a huge difference in my day.

So to all the visitors who do the above, thank you from the bottom of my heart. :)