Say again?

Dude: Are you open?
Me: No, unfortunately we're closed for installation until the 26th. But you can still visit the shop or the garden.
Dude: *leans over my desk with a manic grin* Well then ya'll what you are whatcha' and whatcha' are then so what yeah?
Me:...*blinks*... *stares*
Dude: *Stares*
Me:...Sure?
Dude: Yeah! *Smiles and walks into the shop*

....Did i just have a stroke?

x

He Needs to see that painting, guys.

Douche Canoe: *blows through the front doors and past me into the galleries, holding a cup of copy*

Me: Hello. How can I help you?

DC: *Completely ignores me and keeps walking*

Me: *loudly* Excuse me, How can I help you?

DC: I wanna see that painting!

Me: You have to pay admission to see the galleries.

DC: I just want to see that painting!

Me: I'm sorry but you need to buy a ticket. And you'll have to leave your coffee here too. 

DC: I don't want your list of rules! I want to see the painting!

Me: Then you have to buy a ticket. 

DC: I didn't come here to be lectured! *He grabs his forehead* I'm just leaving! I can't be here with someone like YOU anymore! You'll here from me on YELP! *storms out*

Me: ...Have a good day!

You're Not Fooling Anyone.

Her: So 25 and under get in for free?

Me: Yes, with an ID like a driver's licence or passport.

Her: *stares. Then whispers to her friends. Then turns back to me*  We don't REALLY need an ID if we're REALLY 25 and under, right? I mean that's just to scare the old people.

Me:... Yeah. You do.

Her: *stares* But we're kids so we don't have IDs.

Me: How old are you?

Her: We're all 21.

Me: ...You need an ID.

Her: Lame. *They all flounce away in a cloud of pissy*

AND scene.

They Are Never as Funny as They Think They Are.

Me: So its $10 for a general ticket and $5 for a senior.

Guy OBVIOUSLY in his forties: Oh I'M a senior *snicker snicker*

Me: Great..can I see your ID?

Guy: *To his girlfriend* Ah, they're hiring smart little cookies now, see?

Me: *smirks and rings him up* Your tickets are good for one week.

Guy: Oh! So can I sell them after I leave? Make my money back after I waste it here?

Me: *glares* I really don't care what you do with them. Sell them. You won't make jack.

Guy: *Cackles* God I'm hilarious! Tell me, are you a fan of the Rolling Stones.

Me: No.

Guy: *Waits, grinning*

Me: *glares*

Guy: *Grin Falters*

Me: *Glares*

Guy:...So..I'll go inside now.

Me: Enjoy your stay.

So, you're leaving tomorrow?

*chases after a woman who walked into the closed area after I told her we were closed.*

Me: I'm sorry Ma'm but the galleries are closed.

Woman: I know, you told me. *tries to walk around me*

Me: *steps in front of her* So you can't be in here.

Woman: But I leave town tomorrow so I'm going to look around.

Me: You can't. We're closed in here. There is construction happening.

Woman: But I leave tomorrow.

Me: I understand that but we are closed. You can't be in here.

Woman:....But I leave tomorrow.

Me: Please go.

Sometimes its best to play along.

Guest: Its pretty hot out there.

Me: Yeah. 'Tis the season.

Guest: And bright too.

Me: Yeah.

Guest: Its so bright people think you're closed because the sun makes your windows look dark. You should do something about the brightness outside.

Me:...Sure I'll get on that.

A Typical Summer Sunday.

Guest 1: Excuse me, when is the guided tour?

Me: Its at 2pm.

Guest 1: Okay *walks away*

Guest 2: *walks in*

Me: Hi can I help you?

Guest 2: Oh I'm just browsing.

Me: Well, there is an admission fee. Would you like to purchase your ticket?

Guest 2: What? I have to pay!? That's not fair!

Guest 3: *hauls her bicycle in while I'm dealing with Guest 2*

Me: Excuse me. You can't bring your bike inside.

Guest 3: Oh, I don't want to lock it up so I'm bringing it with me.

Me: You can't. There's a bike rack out front.

Guest 3: I don't have a lock so I'll roll it through.

Me: You can't do that.

Guest 2: *starts to sneak inside*

Me: Excuse me, sir! You need to pay.

Guest 2: But I'm just going to browse! *runs inside*

Me: *gets security on the walkie-talkie* We got a browser.

Guest 4: Hi. I'm under 25. I get in for free, right?

Me: You do. I just need to see an ID with a birth date.

Guest 4: *Hands me a college ID with no birth date*

Me: I'm sorry this won't work. I need something with a birth date.

Guest 4: That's stupid. There's no college students over 25.

Me: ...Are you serious?

Guest 3: Excuse me! I want to bring my bike in.

Me: I'm sorry you can't bring your bike in.

Guest 3: What am I supposed to do with it then!?

Guest 2: *Is marched out by security* Hey! They said I had to buy a ticket!

Me: You do!

Guest 2: You didn't tell them I just wanted to browse?

Me: You can't!

Guest 4: I don't want to show you my Drivers' licence. I don't like the picture.

Me: I'm not looking at the picture, I assure you.

Guest 4: *sighs heavily*

Guest 1: Excuse me. When is the 2pm tour?

Me: ...at 2pm.

Guest 1: But its 1:45 now and I don't want to wait.

Me: You have to. Our Guide isn't here yet.

Guest 1: Can't you tour us?

Me:. No!

Guest 4: *has shown me her ID and I give her a sticker* IDs are stupid.

Me: Yes they are. Please wear this someplace visible and enjoy your stay.

Guest 3: I'm STILL needing to know where to put my bike!

Me: At the bike rack!

 Guest 3: I don't want to use the bike rack!

Me: Then I can't do anything for you!

Guest 4 *comes back* Security says I need a sticker!

Me: I handed you a sticker. What did you do with it?

Guest 4: I threw it away.

Me: You're supposed to wear it!

Guest 4: You didn't say that!

Me: Yes I did! *hands her another sticker*

Tour Guide: *Comes in* Okay! I'm ready o clock in!

Guest 1: *comes back to my desk* You know, I want my money back if there's not going to be a tour.

Me: Our guide just arrived.

Guest 1: So do I get a discount because she just arrived?

Me: No! Its not even 2 yet!

Guest 3 :My bike!

Me: Take it outside!

Guest 4: Can I have another sticker?

Me: Did you throw yours out again?

Guest 4: No. I just want another one.

Me: No!

Events Tech: *enters*  Bathrooms are backed up.

Me: Son of a...

Guest 5: *enters*

Me: Can I help you?

Guest 5: Oh, I'm just browsing.

Me: That's it! I'm going on break!